We need to establish something before we begin.
This is not a list of essentials.
No one has ever stood in an empty apartment and thought, “You know what would finally make this place functional? A capybara night light and a croaking frog keychain.”
And yet.
If this is your exact shopping philosophy, Weird Things is your natural habitat.
A capybara that provides emotional lighting
Could a normal lamp illuminate your nightstand? Obviously. But does a normal lamp look like a tiny capybara silently supporting your life choices? Exactly. Meet the Capybara Night Light.
A keychain that makes an unnecessary noise
Keys worked perfectly well before they could croak, click or make seagull sounds. This is what makes sound-effect keychains so compelling. They solve nothing. They improve everything. Exhibit A: the Seagull Sound Fidget Keychain.
Food you can squeeze instead of eat
We have discussed the internet’s current squishy obsession at length, and we remain unwilling to recover. Fake bread, cheese, watermelon and donuts all occupy the ideal zone between “cute desk object” and “why have I been squeezing this for twelve minutes?” Start with the Cheese Squishy, then browse Squishy Things.
A tiny object whose only job is being tiny
Miniatures have extraordinary confidence. A tiny cat phone stand does not need to justify its existence. It is tiny. It is a cat. It holds your phone. Case closed. Yes, the Mini Cat Phone Stand is real.
An angry plush animal
Traditional stuffed animals smile at you. We prefer one that appears mildly disappointed by your behavior. The Angry Rabbit Plush brings the required emotional complexity.
The official All the Things buying test
Ask yourself three questions:
1. Do I need this?
2. Did it make me laugh?
3. Have I already added it to my cart?
If the answers are “no, yes, yes,” congratulations. You understand All the Things.
More bad influence: read The Weirdest Squishies on the Internet, Ranked.
Shop things you absolutely do not need →
This is Issue No. 1 of our recurring Things You Absolutely Do Not Need but Will Immediately Want series. We regret nothing.